Writing is Ugly Truth #94
Talent? Nope. Connections? Eh. Resilience, My Friend. Resilience is key.
This is a long one. You might want to get a cup of coffee. It’s fine, I’ll wait.
All set? Great! Let’s get started.
Here is today’s ugly truth: The first and foremost trait to succeed as a writer is not talent, nor connections, but resilience.
Resilience in general is the ability to recover and adapt when things don’t go as you’d hoped, planned, or intended. Resilient people learn from crappy life outcomes and adapt, rather than dwelling on failures. Resilient writers learn from crappy critiques, reviews, sales etc. and keep writing, adapting (if necessary) rather than dwelling on, well, I guess rejections.
This is easier read than done. But it’s crucial. Tenacity is Key. It’s the thing that separates the authors from the alcoholics. Resilience as a writer comes pretty much same way as resilience as a Basic Human in the World. You’re born with it. Either you have it or you don’t.
Just kidding. I’m kidding! Stop crying. You can absolutely gain and retain resilience just like any other skill. Here are three tips:
- Define your sense of purpose as it relates to your writing.
- Build strong relationships within a writing community.
- Learn from critiques and rejections (“failures”)
And two BONUSES:
- Develop coping strategies and maintain perspective
- Take care of yourself
Let’s go through them one by one.
- Sense of Purpose
Finding your WHY seems like so much mumbo-jumbo fru-fru nonsense when talking about why you are selling hamburgers, or driving a forklift, or calling people to demand they pay your client. But when it comes to your writing, it’s actually crucial.
Why do you create these stories? What keeps you locked in a room by yourself while people you know are out drinking and dancing, or RPGing and LARPing, or generally having a good time and making lasting memories with other humans who love them? Do you want to be friendless and family-less and have even your pets pack up their bowls and toys and leave you for someone who sees the sun once in a while and at least occasionally eats a meal at the table? Of course you don’t2.
So why do you risk it? What makes it worth your while? What keeps you living so many hours in your own head, and what compels you to write all of it down and want to show it to other people? Because most writers I know are not even writers by choice. It’s like a sickness, we can’t NOT do it. If I could identify this WRITER part of me and have it surgically removed or burned off or exorcised my life would be WAY easier.
But I can’t not write. And I’ll bet you can’t not either. And I don’t think that sentence makes sense. My point is, when it comes to writing, that WHY doesn’t just matter, it’s crucial. It’s everything. It’s so much everything that it merits its own blog post.
Finding meaning in life keeps people motivated to improve and continue. Finding meaning in writing will do the same. Take some time to answer the question: WHY DO I WRITE?
- Strong Relationships
In the entrepreneurial world, this is often referred to as Finding Your Tribe. Which is a very 1990s bubbly-yet-deep sort of phrase, which like so much from that era manages to be equal parts useful and laughable. Not to mention at least vaguely insulting to tribal communities because of actual tribal traditions and sovereignty and the terrible uphill fight to obtain those things by actual tribal communities.
What is meant, is what we will say, is Finding Fellow Sufferers Writers.
You want, no, need to spend time with other people who have faced the White Abyss of a blank page, been assaulted by shitty critique partners, written well past their bedtime, stolen printed manuscript copies from work, and gone through the meatgrinder of the Writing Industry be it Traditional or Independent.
Friends and loved ones will want to support you when you are facing rejection number nine this week, but they cannot empathize with the deep agony of feeling like you are not cut out for the one thing you love. Or thought you loved. The one thing that came easily and that you did well. Or you thought you did it well, but actually now you’re not so sure and doesn’t it seem harder for you than for other people in this business and maybe, hey what happened to the rest of the whiskey I was sure I left some last time….
Seriously, put the whiskey down.
Get around people who will be angry on your behalf when a good story gets rejected. Who will cheer with abandon when you sell something or get an agent. Talk regularly to others who know the reality of how difficult writing can be and the amount of toil and solitude it takes. Spend time with people who understand that writing is great when you’re in the Zone, but that finding that flow state is challenging, sometimes impossible especially if you’re attempting it around a day job, children, the seductive interwebs or your own stoopid brain.
How do you do this? This also merits its own post. Some suggestions, in a nutshell (sorry if you’re allergic): Seek out relevant genre organizations; establish a truly useful and strong critique group (and don’t be afraid to leave groups that aren’t serving you); join an online writing community like AutoCrit or The Writer’s Way.
I cannot overstate the relief you will feel by simply spending time with other writers. Ralph Waldo Emerson stated it’s a luxury to be understood. Pamper yourself! And grant other writers the luxury of being in your presence.
- Learn from crushing critiques, rotten reviews, shitty sales. Also, learn when to ignore them.
The most crushing feedback I get is from agents who reject my work and tell me specifically why. My first instinct is to have a temper tantrum. This involves a lot of swearing and often some call for a plague on the house of whoever sent me the rejection. Then I wait a week, remove the curse from the sender, and re-read these emails. Because at the end of the day? This feedback is effing gold.
An email like this means someone was impressed enough with your writing to carve time out of their day to respond to it. This means that a professional in the industry believes that you have what it takes talent-wise, you just need to be willing to work it. Do the spit and polish. Or totally tear down and renno. In writer-speak, Revise and Edit.
More than that, you’ve been handed a road map. A straight up how-to. Again, a professional, in the industry, has just told you what you need to do to your manuscript to make it sell. Writing is an industry. And like all industries, there are industry standards. Following this road map will very likely get you where you want to go.
“Very likely.” Not “guaranteed.” You may make the changes and still not sell the piece. No single person is the Voice of All Agents or The Great and Powerful Editor. And if you genuinely don’t agree with the recommendations? Then don’t make the revisions.
There is a different kind of feedback that also sucks but should always be ignored. This comes in the form of online reviews. The only thing worse than shitty online reviews is shitty online ratings (one or two stars) with no review even explaining the shitty rating. My general take regarding online reviews? Don’t read them.
BONUS #1: Develop coping strategies and keep your cool, at least in public.
As a writer, you are going to get rejections. If you drink every time you get one, you are going to get cirrhosis. This will not make you a better writer.
Getting Rejected is where being part of a writing community really pays out in spades. Having a group of writers to air your frustrations to is immensely helpful in keeping you from losing your brain in an email or worse some public social media platform.
Never clap back at an agent or editor (it’s a remarkably small industry and word gets around.) Never clap back at someone online, either.
Allow yourself to feel bad, it’s normal. Have temper tantrums and curse people. Just, you know, do these things in the privacy of your own home. Then, move on. And remember to retract the curses.
BONUS #2: Take care of yourself
Look after your physical health. Eat (mostly) healthy and try to get some exercise each day. Physical motion is so crucial for both the body and mind. In fact, there are workshops that use physical movement to nudge the brain into the flow state. It feels like a cheat, like psilocybin, without the talking plants and melting faces.
Celebrate small wins. A personalized rejection notice? Buy yourself something nice! Remember, that means someone was impressed enough with YOUR writing to take time out of THEIR day and formulate a response. You sold something? Get a cake or a bottle of champagne or go out for a fancy meal. Even if you were paid in copies! Celebrating gets you that sweet, sweet, dopamine. Celebrating your wins will exaggerate them in your memory, which will make them easier to recall when you are in the thick of a six-rejection week…and it’s Tuesday.
ADDED EXTRA: Your brain will begin to put the pieces together and realize that finished work=sold work=dopamine. Going forward, this will make it easier to write. It will lower the resistance, getting you into the chair and the flow state faster.
LASTLY
Recognize that taking a break from writing may be a needed bit of self-care. This is especially true if you tend to beat up on yourself. I typically pause for a week after finishing a long work (novel or full-length play) and for at least an evening for a short work.
If you’re really lucky, you’ll take a break and never want to write again. Think of what you could do with all that free time! You could learn a new language or take up a new hobby, or reconnect with friends and family, or finally write that novel you’ve always—Oops!
FOOTNOTES because this here post is FANCY
1Though of course both of those things are useful. Same with a trust fund, supportive parents, wealthy friends, balls of steel, psychic cats…you get the idea.)
2Or maybe you do? Far be it for me to dictate how much of a hermit you are. If driving away every living thing including your houseplants is in fact your goal, great news! You are in exactly the right business and will have no problem keeping your stamina up. In fact, maybe you should be writing this post. Message me if you’re interested in that. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Photo credit:
#94 Resilience (tree pic)
11402202 © Bkilzer | Dreamstime.com
https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photography-lone-resiliant-tree-image11402202